AUSTIN, TX: A local Christian college student has seemingly ended her longstanding relationship with Jesus to start dating a guy she finds attractive.
Miranda Cho, a junior at the University of Texas, has been part of a Christian fellowship for her entire time at school. During this time, she has received numerous requests from male peers to go out to coffee, to have lunch, and to generally be their girlfriend. In all cases, she has turned them down because she claimed that Jesus was her true love.
“Miranda would always say, ‘Sorry, but I’m dating Jesus, and there’s no room for another guy,'” says Ashley Lee, her friend. “That would often confuse Christian guys, but it would also make them like her more for being so spiritual.” Ashley then started to pout. “Frankly, I don’t understand why so many guys go for her.” When asked if she felt forgotten due to the attention her friend received, Ashley abruptly turned defensive and walked off.
Harry Kim, one of the rejected geeks, recalled his experience: “Yeah, she’s one of the cutest girls in our fellowship, so a lot of guys have liked her. I thought she might be into me because she giggled at all my jokes and smiled a lot when she saw me, but when I asked her out, she said she was taken already. At first I felt guilty and told her I didn’t know, and then I asked her who her boyfriend was. She then said happily, ‘Jesus!’ I wasn’t sure if I should be impressed or if I should hate myself.”
Another poor sucker, a small group leader named Jason Chong, also thought he had a chance. “I mean, she always said she wanted a spiritual leader, and I lead a small group, read my Bible, and don’t go out partying and drinking,” he explained. “Surely she would give me a chance even though I don’t play sports and am only a art history major. But then when she said Jesus was her boyfriend, I realized that was a standard I could never meet.”
However, everyone in her fellowship was shocked to find out that Miranda started recently dating their fellowship’s star basketball player whom many girls find very attractive. Though this male student, Gary Lee, has spotty church attendance and thinks that Moses built the ark, his physical attractiveness, family’s wealth, and overall swagger seems to have won her heart.
“Man, I wonder what happened to Jesus?” asked Bradley Chin, who was also turned down by Miranda. “I mean, I got my feelings hurt because I really thought my dental school credentials would make her overlook the fact that I’m 5’2, but I can’t imagine what Jesus is feeling right now after getting dumped like this.”
Miranda was contacted about why she evidently broke up with Jesus for Gary when she repeatedly told people that she was the bride of Christ. She answered, “Well, Jesus is ALWAYS in my life. He is a really good friend.” She was then asked how Jesus reacted to this break-up and apparent friend-zoning, and she said assuredly, “Jesus just wants me to be happy. He’s very supportive.”
Was he not then supportive of all of those other guys? “Uh, no, he wasn’t willing to let me go for them.” Why not? “Jesus knows what I like and what’s good for me, and those other guys were either too ugly, too fat, too nerdy, or too poor to really be good for me. And Gary is cool with Jesus, they talk every once in a while.” What about Gary did Jesus find spiritually good for Miranda? “Um… look, I’m pretty busy. I prayed about it and the Spirit gave me peace.” She then hung up quickly.
Their campus ministry leader, Steven Williams, worries about Jesus. “Man, this Gary guy must be incredible if she chose him over Jesus. I hope Jesus is coping okay. Not too many guys can play ball like Gary.”
Jason sighed. “I thought my standard was Jesus; I had no idea there was even higher one in Gary. And the weird thing is that so many other girls tell me that they’re either dating Jesus at the same time or aren’t ready to date at this specific time of their lives. Sometimes they say both, which really throws me for a loop.”
Jesus did not immediately respond to requests for comment, though he reportedly has remained faithfully responsive to all prayers regarding salvation. Also, his recorded words in the Bible seem to have no relevance whatsoever to Miranda’s situation.