Writing Down and Interpreting My Totally Not Weird and Ambiguous Dreams in the Charismatic Way

The pastor of my church told a story in a sermon recently of a woman who dove headfirst into charismatic practices because she was dissatisfied with her own spiritual walk.  She began to go to conference after conference detailing how to speak in tongues, heal, and interpret prophetic dreams.  She apparently started to have pride over her purported gifts and to look down upon others who were not so enlightened, including her own husband.  One of her practices was to keep a journal next to her bed such that when she had a dream, she could quickly write it down when she woke up in order to interpret what majestic message God was undoubtedly sending in her sleep.

My reaction was this: What’s wrong with having pride about this?  Sounds like fun!  I’ve always wanted to interpret my dreams, especially since I am pretty sure I am more special than any of you.

I had a dream last night.  Allow me to describe it and then interpret it for you:


I was standing around at a church before a wedding, chatting with random people.  I suddenly realized that I was supposed to give the message for the wedding, but I did not prepare one nor even know the couple getting married.  Not knowing what to do, I went to the sound system and turned on some rap music, which signaled to everyone that they should forget about the wedding and suddenly change into Victorian-age attire as unintelligible rap music blared in the background.  Everyone started to dance in a classical way to such music, and I ran into a few girls I knew who were wearing very large dresses from the 19th century.  I said to one, “So I guess this is the new hip hop style, huh?”

She nodded, “Yeah, but only for certain months.”  She curtsied and then did the nae nae before twirling away.

I walked to the stage, where there was suddenly a buffet table.  I lifted the cover off of one dish and there was a live dog in there, wagging his tail.  Surprised, I asked someone around, “Are people trying to eat this dog?”  The person responded calmly, “Oh, that just means that vampires are here.”  Surprised, I surveyed the crowd and saw someone with protruding sharp teeth just talking in a crowd.  I approached this crowd and told everyone, “He’s a vampire!”, causing everyone to panic and a couple of more vampires to show themselves.  I yelled at someone to go and take care of the dog while the vampires suddenly started running in circles threatening everyone around.

I asked a friend, “How do I distract them?”  He answered, “Vampires hate it when you sprinkle sugar on them.”  “Oh, of course!” I replied.  I grabbed the fire extinguisher and poured sugar into its designated sugar compartment before spraying it at the vampires, which earned me their undivided attention.  I ran with my friend out of the door into the church parking lot, which was actually not a parking lot but a frozen lake.  We tried to flee by sliding across the lake on our stomachs, but we found out that it was very slow.  However, the vampires were also trying to slide on their stomachs in pursuit, and so we all went across the lake using our arms to try to propel us on our bellies across the ice.

I got to the end and found out that everything that I just watched was a movie, and I was in the movie theater watching it.  It turned into a cartoon.  I was talking to a friend sitting next to me and she asked me if I had done an assignment for class.  I realized that I had signed up for a college class that I had not gone to all semester because I completely forgot about it, so I pondered how I could possibly pass the class.  It occurred to me that I could simply collect candy for the professor, so I starting flying through the open roof of the theater and started to pick out candy that was in the sky, as all people did.

I looked up and saw a male friend picking candy with a girl.  “Is this your girlfriend?”  “Yeah, she is!” he exclaimed.  I told him, “I’m pretty sure that’s a seagull masquerading as a girl.”  He looked surprised and looked back at the girl, whose eyes were darting back and forth.  She disappeared and a seagull appeared from underneath her dress and flew away.  “Dang it,” he sighed, “I hate it when that happens.”  I consoled him, “Don’t worry, it happens to all of us.”  We both then fell to the earth, and I found myself racing on a segway to make it home for before a healing potion I had left on the stove burned up…


And then I awoke.

Clearly, God was sending me a prophetic message that matches my unique specialness.  The meaning is obvious: I will become aware of false teachers in my church, and I will know them because they will deny the genuineness of my prophetic dreams.  I will also own a segway one day and eat a lot of candy.

Don’t quench the Holy Spirit, yo.


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