Whenever the media or feminists catch wind of conservative pastors teaching about gender roles, the importance of mothering children, or any sort of “submission,” they blow a fuse and slam Christians for being backwater, women-haters that hold to outdated and sexist traditions. Heck, even when conservative Christians voice their disagreement over abortion, they are tagged as people who are against women’s rights and want to imprison women in the home, languishing under the heel of a patriarchal society. These teachings allegedly demean women and should be fought against.
This leaves me in kind of a bind; I mean, I want to teach way more than that. I want to teach that women should shut up unless spoken to (especially during sports games), do laundry and wash dishes with a smile, cook and serve dinner everyday, play Street Fighter with me so that I can practice combos on them, etc. I believe these things are true and profitable (for men, anyway, which is the only important consideration), but I don’t want some feminist or local news station hearing of this and causing a ruckus because I’d rather spend my time bossing around women than hearing them complain. How can I avoid getting griped at?
Then I found my savior: Music. Mostly rap music, but other music as well.
I’ve always found it fascinating that rappers can say whatever they want about women or to women, and instead of getting angry, women will enthusiastically recite the lyrics, go on the dance floor and dance like the “hoes” the songs describe, and generally embrace being objectified by every male in the club. Nobody bothers them in the media, or if they do, those people are mostly ignored for not having street cred or “tolerance” for hip-hop culture. In fact, I’ve been to many Christian weddings, and after a nice, somber, and biblical message on the sanctity of marriage and the marriage bed, The Wobble comes on during the reception and everyone jumps on the dance floor to join in to these lyrics:
A girl told me that a man that could dance might could possibly get down with the tool in his pants.
Now all my ladies let me see you vibrate.
And when it’s over you ain’t gon need ya vibrator.
Cause I’m a pro, make ya bend ya back low den just pound it real fast just like purkulator
Wobble baby, wobble baby, wobble baby, wobble (yeah) [x4]
Get in there, yeah, yeah [x4]
Ey big girl make em’ back it up, make em’ back it up [x4]
Girl wobble it, and ima gobble it.
I see you movin your head, your head bobblin’
We can cradle the bed I’m straight rockin it
The girls say my head like the head of a rocket ship
God damn I’m so explicit, but I can’t help it my flow ridiculous
Because of this, rappers are my heroes and inspiration. They want to say way more objectifying things than me and yet they get away with it, with the very women they demean cheering them on. Now that’s swag. I don’t want to write songs about overly sexual things; I mean, after all, I’m Christian. I just want them to stop their whining, vacuum my floors, and bring me Powerades or Dr. Peppers whenever I ask.
So here is what I’m asking for in this job posting:
-A man who can create a cool beat that can possibly make women enjoy the fact that they are referred to as “b****es” and be okay with celebrating sluttiness, though of course my lyrics won’t be sexual. However, if they’re ok with that, they’ll be ok with anything else.
-Assistance with lyrics that rhyme about household chores and complete, unquestioning obedience to husbands and boyfriends.
-Creation of a catchy, memorable dance to go along with the song that encourages women to enact such noble activities as vacuuming and folding clothes.
-Production of a music video showing women being bossed around in the home and serving drinks and snacks during a football game. Every once in a while they’ll jump to shake their rear ends to the chorus.
To show where I’m at right now, here are some lyrics that I’ve put down so far:
Let the lesser of creation submit to men
Let fruit-eating garden tools pay for their sin
The inferior material will serve the superior
Shawty do my dishes and clean the crib! (yo!)
Here’s the truth, girl, listen up
You got tricked by a snake, you dumb as f…lies
So here’s how it is, the men shall rule
Stop your whining cause you’re our tools (fool)
My floor needs wiping, the cabinets dusting
Dishes in the sink, girl, better get working
Don’t be talking back or you’ll be cleaning the commode
And wash my feet so you know you but a hoe.
This is the order that God designed
Rebellious women should be consigned
To obedience, allegiance, timidity, meekness
Shawties can’t be trusted to use their minds.
I can just feel the music in my bones just from reading that. I think this allows me to do several things at once: A) Teach the correct view on women B) Not get criticized by others C) Get paid and D) Get women to enthusiastically participate. Yay music!
Oh, and compensation will be some of a small cut of the earnings, Super Mario lessons, and the blessing of my company for at least two meals.
If you are interested, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.