“When I Was Your Whiny, Crybaby ‘Man'” – Analyzing Bruno Mars Once Again

As I have written before in old posts at another site, I am perpetually puzzled by the popularity of Bruno Mars’ songs.  Is he musically talented?  Obviously.  He can play the piano well.  However, his lyrics are so juvenile, shallow, emo, and irrational that it is difficult to see how people beyond the age of 14 are actually moved by his songs.  Girls just loved his supposedly deep song “Just the Way You Are”… I exposed it as sweet-talking in order to get a guy laid, and I also pointed out how stupid it was to sing that to an attractive actress in his music video.  Yeah, I’m sure Bruno Mars has a history of dating hideous girls for their personality because they’re amazing just the way they are, and not, you know, Latin models are something.  He’s definitely one of those rare guys who doesn’t care about how his girl looks.  Girls are dumb.

“Grenade” was even worse.  People thought it was soooo romantic because it showed his willingness to mutilate and harm himself for a girl, but I showed that if you analyze his lyrics closely, you don’t get a charming romantic; you get an emotionally disturbed, delusional, and creepy dude whose logic doesn’t make a lick of sense (and even illustrated it for clarity).  Sure, go ahead and catch grenades and step in front of trains, dawg.  That’ll make a difference!  I wrote this in conclusion:

How is this song romantic and how is this song remotely about love?  It is about an insecure boy who has less emotional control than a teenage girl who watches too many soap operas and Korean dramas.  Let me say this loud and clear:  Girls who like this song would, if they thought about it, never ever date a guy like this.  He expects you to be willing to do absurd things that might harm you, he is prone to mope around by dragging around a piano, he’ll whine at you with abysmal and emo lyrics, and he will turn into a suicidal maniac if you don’t “love” him the way he wants.  That sounds like a real man right there.

Seriously, if there was a guy who even claimed he would do these things for a girl without a piano playing the background, a rational girl’s response wouldn’t be, “Awww, he must really love me so much.”  It would be, “Time to get a restraining order…”

But Bruno Mars is at it again, this time with his whiny song “When I Was Your Man” (what is up with this dude and emo breakup songs?).  I was introduced to this song on Valentine’s Day, no less, at an IHOP by some girls, and it made me want to facepalm and squirt disappearing ink on their dresses (oh wait… I did do that).  Once again, it is shallow, yet girls find it deep and moving, not realizing that this too is full of worthless baloney.  I will show you how this is so.  Let’s begin.

Same bed, but it feels just a little bit bigger now

So they were living together before marriage.  Yep, that’s the values you want to have, Christian girls.

Our song on the radio, but it don’t sound the same

Yes it does, actually.  It’s a recording.

When our friends talk about you all that it does is just tear me down
Cause my heart breaks a little when I hear your name

Translation:  Hearing about his ex makes him break down into a sobbing mess.  Exactly the type of obsessive and insecure man girls want, no doubt.

And it all just sound like uh, uh, uh (high pitched girly sound)

When his heart breaks, it gives a sound that is equivalent to the voice of a prepubescent girl.  Sounds about right for him.

Hmmm too young, too dumb to realize
That I should have bought you flowers and held your hand
Should have gave you all my hours when I had the chance
Take you to every party cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby is dancing, but she’s dancing with another man.

Wait, what are we talking about here?  Is this an adult relationship, or is he singing about his “girlfriend” in the sixth grade that he hung out with at the mall (which would make his talk about his bed all the worse).  I mean, seriously, when is the fact that a guy doesn’t hold his girl’s hand a big enough deal to end a relationship?  Presuming, of course, that this is a somewhat rational and mature girl who warrants a wimpy breakup song in the first place (if she’s a self-centered immature adult who does take it that seriously, then it makes Bruno Mars even more of a moron for moping around for her).  We definitely need to figure out the likely life period he was in for this relationship.  Let’s do some calculations:

Giving flowers

In all life stages, many women appreciate the act of giving flowers, especially for holidays and birthdays.  However, when most couples break up, guys don’t think, “Man, if ONLY I GAVE HER MORE FREAKING FLOWERS, SHE’D KNOW I APPRECIATED HER!”  Guys in high school don’t even think that.  Why?  Because even dumb 16 year old boys know that’s incredibly superficial.  And if they were to date a girl who thought flowers were that important, they would thank their lucky stars they got out of that crap.


Yeah, most adult girls don’t act like that (right? 😉 ) and most adult guys don’t want it either.  Estimated age:  12.

Holding Hands

Okay, really?  Like I hinted at above, during what age did this relationship have to occur such that holding hands is a deal-breaker?  That’s the kind of stuff that turned heads in elementary school; it shouldn’t cause problems in mature relationships unless one or both of them are wackos.  Here is how lovingly powerful hand-holding is in adult relationships:

holding hands

Yep, not very.  This is a big deal for children.  Estimated age: 9.

Giving All Free Time

Evidently, one problem was that he did not give all of his “hours” to this girl when he was free.  In other words, she was incredibly needy and required an enormous amount of maintenance.  To be fair, there are women in all age groups who regrettably behave like this, but still, most mature women do not think that their boyfriend needs to spend every waking moment with them and understand that he needs his time alone and with the dudes..  That kind of obsessiveness is more indicative of insecure teenaged girls:


We’ll be a little more generous on this one.  Estimated age:  16

Going to EVERY dance party

It seems like this girl is upset that Mr. Mars didn’t take her to all the school dances or something.  What else could this be talking about?  Not clubs, because those aren’t “parties” and she can just go herself with her lady friends.  It’s doubtful he means college parties either because what goes on there isn’t quite “dancing.”  What parties actually have real dancing?  Weddings and school dances, and we can eliminate the former because they are not terribly common throughout the year.  Apparently, junior high dances and homecoming are sooooo important…

So school dances are so significant to her that she’d end a freaking relationship to dance with some other dude.  Or at least, that is what Mars seems to perceive, making him either a heartless player manipulating his female audience’s emotions or a clueless, wimpy buffoon.  I’ll go with the latter.  Estimated age: 14

Junior High Relationships Are So Important

If we average together our estimates, we get 12+9+16+14 = 51/4 = 12.75, rounded up to 13.  Congratulations, you females who think this song is so touching:  You seem to place enormous importance on relationships formed and ended during middle school.  Again, everyone should take a moment and think about this:  His regrets involve superficial and ultimately meaningless activities.  Did he sing about how he didn’t listen to her problems, shouted insults during fights, and failed to be there for her during a difficult time?  Nope.  He sang about flowers and holding hands.  Girls, imagine that you heard a song written by a girl to her ex-boyfriend that went like this:

Hmmm too young, too dumb to realize
That I should have cooked you dinner and washed your toes
Should have gotten thinner so you would like me more
Watch Sportscenter all day cause you really like that show
Now my man is watching, but he’s watching with another hoe.

And then imagine guys listening to the song thinking, “Man, that girl really messed up, didn’t she?”  I’m sure it would make girls want to throw things in anger because they would easily see that A) This girl is an emotionally weak idiot and B) That guy is probably a complete jerk.  If that’s the case, would you care to explain why you like this song…?

Anyway, moving on to the rest of this dumb garbage:

My pride, my ego, my needs and my selfish ways

Yeah man, it’s pretty horrible and egotistical that you didn’t hold her hand and crap…

Caused a good strong woman like you to walk out my life

Because good, strong women definitely stress flowers, holding hands, and school dances, and they want to monopolize their man’s time or else they feel neglected.  GOOD STRONG WOMAN RIGHT THERE.

Now I never, never get to clean up the mess I made

Sorry, Bruno, but we only go through middle school once, unfortunately.

And it haunts me every time I close my eyes

Just getting manlier, aren’t you.  Now you’re having nightmares because you didn’t give your girl flowers.

It all just sounds like uh, uh, uh, uh (high pitched girly voice)

And now his whimpering in bed sounds like a prepubescent girl.  Again, not surprising.

Although it hurts I’ll be the first to say that I was wrong

Again, girls, think about the above female rendition of the song and imagine a girl singing with a whiny voice, “I was wroooooooooong!”  Make you feel good?  Yeah, awesome, I’m sure.

Oh, I know I’m probably much too late

Yeah, you’re in your late twenties, Bruno, so you’re presumably out of middle school.  Though emotionally you still seem to be there.

To try and apologize for my mistakes

Hopefully the girl in question grew up, so she probably doesn’t even remember that her junior  high boyfriend didn’t hold her hand.

But I just want you to know
I hope he buys you flowers, I hope he holds your hand
Give you all his hours when he has the chance
Take you to every party cause I remember how much you loved to dance
Do all the things I should have done when I was your man!
Do all the things I should have done when I was your man!

Interpretation:  He hopes that this new guy is just as clueless as he is to think that these constitute important matters of a relationship.

edit:  The girl version of this could be:

But I just want you to know
I hope she folds your laundry and scrubs out all the stains
Keeps her big fat mouth shut while you watch the game
Let you talk to every hot girl cause I know how much you love to play
Do all the things I should have done when I was your flame!
Do all the things I should have done when I was your flame!

Deep song, huh?


This song is just a guilt-ridden piece of whining that focuses on the shallowest of things in a relationship.  He’s either singing about his junior high girlfriend (which is irrelevant), mindlessly stressing stupid things in an unhealthy adult one (thereby indicting the girl as being a superficial princess herself), or cleverly portraying himself as the regretful, sensitive boyfriend so that other girls will willingly give him a shot to be their special dude (making him a punk and still indicting the girl for being superficial).  In all cases, the song is a worthless pile of garbage, full of 13 year old emotions and not a shred of mature contemplation of what a healthy relationship should look like.  But it’s romantic, right girls?  I mean, it’s ALWAYS the guys fault that he didn’t bend over backward to worship at the feet of his girl.  Right?  RIGHT?

If you like this song, you have been exposed to be either an immature teenaged girl or someone who thinks useless crap is important in a real relationship.  Congratulations.


8 thoughts on ““When I Was Your Whiny, Crybaby ‘Man'” – Analyzing Bruno Mars Once Again

  1. This is perfect. I heard the song and started searching for “Bruno Mars is shallow” Shocked there isn’t more of this sentiment out there.

  2. Don’t forget, Super-Whiny-Boy, not too long ago, was about to catch a grenade for her….he was about to take a bullet to his brain for her…step in front of a train for her….wait, but, then why does he regret not caring enough for her? or does he care for her? is he the wailing victim of a female who couldn’t care less about his willingness to sacrifice his life for her? or is he the guilty insensitive jerk who never was willing to sacrifice for her? OR do his puppet handlers who write the lyrics (they assume will melt little girls’ hearts) not get together and plan out their stories clearly enough?

  3. I read your breakdown of “just the way you are” and “grenade”…and this has got me thinking, why are these songs so lyrically and musically weak, yet so popular at the same time.

    But for me, there is a song even worse…”Count on Me”. Elementary-school quality lyrics and an overly repetitive and dumbed down backing track, and to top it all off my teacher shouted at me for refusing to listen to it during an International Friendship Day song dedication. People just don’t realize the song’s triteness and it seems his whiny “singing” is what moves them to think it’s so “deep and touching”. I mean, there’s no talent in lyrics that go:

    “You can count on me like 1 2 3 i’ll be there / I can count on you like 4 3 2 you’ll be there / cos that’s what friends are supposed to do oh yeah / (ghosts cry)”

    Just goes to show it does not take much to please people these days in terms of music (I’m an ABBA fan, and yes there are deeper friendship songs out there than this Bruno Mars crap).

  4. Just because a woman is pretty, doesnt mean she’s any less insecure about herself than any other human on the Earth. Plus its a music video, so who cares. It’s just a guy complimenting his girlfriend.

    “When I was your man” could have been more about him being too busy with things like work or something and failed to realize he was neglecting to spend any quality time with his girlfriend until after she left him.

    “Grenade” sounds like an abusive relationship, and the guy is trying to get the girl to see how much he cares. But I mean, she ripped the breaks from his car, so maybe she’s just toying with and leading him on for fun?

    I don’t even like his music, and everyones entitled to their opinion, but I kinda disagree with op. Sorry for rambling though! What do I know anyways haha. I’m only 19 ;u;

    • Hi Connie: Thanks for dropping by. This was more of a parody of the song to not only poke fun at it but also the many girls who like it and consider Mars to be a romantic genius of some sort. You are right; just because a girl is pretty doesn’t mean she’s not insecure, but many girls take the song to mean that Mars is some spectacular, non-superficial guy who would say the girl is pretty regardless of what society thinks. Clearly, the music video makes that interpretation dubious.

      At any rate, thanks for your input, but don’t take these comical articles about Bruno Mars I write TOO seriously, though there is obviously an underlying point ;).

      • Oh! Gosh, now I feel silly for not realizing that! ;n; I just happened to stumble upon this article, so I’ve never read any others of yours. I’m really sorry! But I do see where you’re coming from with it, yes.

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