How to Write a Biblical Valentine’s Card

We know that Valentine’s Day is a special day.  We know this because females in our culture tell us it is, and they tell us that it is because they want to feel special via chocolates, flowers, and cards.  Thus, it is a special day.  It matters not that it is named after a Christian martyr because he probably didn’t do anything important or sacrificial; it only matters that girls get what they want.  And happy girls lead to happy guys.

But we must make sure that we do not let the surrounding culture dictate to us what is true love.  Instead, we must look to biblical principles, particularly what is taught in the oft used 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, which is assuredly not about general community love but instead about romantic love because we hear it all the time at weddings.  Thus, here I will use that passage to show how a Christian guy should write an encouraging letter to his special girl to help her mature spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually.

Dearest Beloved,

I thank God everyday that he has placed you in my life, for you help me grow in all areas of sanctification and teach me how to love like God does.

For example, I have learned great patience when dealing with you and your irrational swirls of emotion (1 Cor. 13:4).  There was this one time where you, probably on your period, went on a female rant full of contradictions, and I felt this urge to obliterate all of your arguments to itty bitty pieces.  Though I easily could have, I decided to bear your transgression with supernatural patience.  Thank you for this lesson.  This also helped me learn to be kind and merciful towards you and your fragile psyche (1 Cor. 13:4).  Miraculously enough, I also learned not to get so easily angered during such bouts of girly absurdity (1 Cor. 13:5), although you get angry easily when I forget to hold the door open for you or leave the toilet seat up at your place.  But do not worry, I keep no record of your myriad of wrongs that you steadfastly refuse to admit or apologize for (1 Cor. 13:5), even if you remember my imagined mistakes for many weeks or months.  Again, I have learned patience.

In addition, beloved, I want nothing more but the best for you because love is not self-seeking (1 Cor. 13:5).  Therefore, I want to help you work on the plethora of character flaws that you have that drive other people crazy (but not me, because I have developed great patience).  I therefore lovingly tell you that love does not envy, (1 Cor. 13:4), so you would do well to control your bizarre insecurities when I say hi to a girl that is hotter than you are (but worry not, because God looks at the heart rather than appearance [1 Samuel 16:7] and she won’t stay hot forever anyway [Proverbs 31:30]).  Furthermore, when you do get jealous, you start to become uncontrollably obnoxious and rude, and that is not love (1 Cor. 13:5).  Screaming that I am a son of a b-word is not nice to my mother, and it makes me rather think that I’m a boyfriend of a b-word instead.

I will also say, my beloved, that love does not delight in evil things like shopping, useless girl chatter, and secular Valentine’s Day desires, but rather rejoices in the truth (1 Cor. 13:6).  Thus, I should be allowed to demonstrate true love to you by informing you that certain dresses on you look horrific, provided that it is in fact true (and it often is).  Relatedly, it is not becoming of true love to boast or be proud (1 Cor. 13:4), so when you strut around in certain outfits and claim that you are a 10 when you are not, you are actually displaying something that is not loving.  Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought (Romans 12:3), because sober judgment will reveal you to be somewhat average (but again, God looks at the heart, and so do I).

I just want you to know that however more physically attractive other girls are, however exasperating you get, and however bad your cooking is, my love will always protect you (within reason, depending on the size of the assailant), always trust that my reward will be great in heaven if I put up with you, always hope that you will change from your foolish ways, and always perservere through your insanity (1 Cor. 13:7).  “Always” being merely an expression, of course.

I hope this makes clear my sacrificial love towards you.  I hope you reciprocate it to me someday, hopefully starting now, because I forgot to make those dinner reservations and get you flowers.

Love,

Your Lucky Man.

Why settle for secular and heathen practices of love, these dumb chocolate boxes, expensive flowers that will die anyway, and pink and red cards?  Do something biblical, like above.  Now have a Happy Day That Greeting Card Companies Make Huge Amounts of Money On.

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