Review of Immortals: Because I want to make fun of something

Personally, I typically like depictions of epic fighting with swords, shields, bows and arrows, etc.  I love The Lord of the Rings, I love Gladiator, I was fascinated by 300, and I tolerated things like Troy and The Chronicles of Narnia(love the books but the movies were just okay).  Even a goofy movie like The Clash of the Titans didn’t annoy me too much.  In other words, you have to try really hard to make me dislike a movie that has fantasy/mythical/ancient battles in it, since I am willing to forgive a lot.

One such movie was 10,000 B.C., an astonishingly dumb movie that was presumably written by a drunken six year old.  It is now joined by Immortals, which skillfully takes potentially cool things (Greek mythology and heroic fighting) and turns it into a steaming pile of hippo crap.  Hollywood writers are talented, indeed.

It’s hard to know where to begin, primarily because the movie is just nonsense.  Thus, I’ll just write in bulleted format and list things as they come to mind:

(There will be spoilers.  If you haven’t watched the movie and still want to, don’t read this, but you have been warned about how lame it is.)

-In the beginning of the movie, we are introduced to the imprisoned Titans who reside in Mount Tartarus (I know Tartarus is typically the underworld, but here it is a big mountain).  They are in this weird box and look to be forced to bite down on ropes which, somehow, keep them still.  There are very clearly twenty of them.  I do not care that this is not accurate–in Greek mythology, there are only 12.  What really grated on my nerves is that although it is plain as day that there are twenty, there appears to be 12094343850720378523 at the last fight scene when they are set loose.  The Olympians come and battle them, and although they are far more powerful, they are overwhelmed by the sheer number of Titans.  The thing is, each Olympian kills at least ten each, and there are five Olympians.  Twenty < Fifty, you worthless idiots in Hollywood.  I sat there bewildered, thinking, “Wait, WHERE THE HECK DID ALL THESE CRITTERS COME FROM?!  DID THEY BREED DURING THE FIGHT?!”  That alone made me want to find the writers and jam calculators down their throats.

-I like how the Titans are not big but look and act more like Gollum.  Yep, that’s threatening and all.

-In the last battle scene, when Zeus realizes they are losing, he’s just like, “Oh, screw it,” and pulls down the freaking mountain by himself, burying the Titans under it (note:  Even though they killed at least fifty Titans, as I said above, about 15 more are closing in on him.  Yep.).  Then he just teleports the heck out of there, taking the bodies of the fallen Olympians as well as Theseus, the main character.  So let me get this straight:  He brings his fellow gods to do battle against self-replicating monsters and puts them all at risk.  Then he decides to just destroy the whole dadgum mountain WHEN THEY ARE ALL DEAD EXCEPT FOR HIM and then zap himself out of there.  WHY COULDN’T HE JUST DO THAT TO START?  WHAT POSSIBLE PURPOSE DID THAT BATTLE HAVE OTHER THAN TO GET THE OLYMPIANS KILLED?

-I like how when the Olympians show up, Zeus brings only five of them (Ares, the God of War, is not with them because Zeus inexplicably kills him just for disobeying).  Five.  That’s it.  Of course, at the every end of the movie when they depict a giant war among the gods in the clouds, there are zillions of gods fighting each other.  So, uh, why did only five of them show up?  Why not bring twenty?  Why not bring 100?  I mean, I know the Titans have this oddball ability to multiply on the spot, but bringing only five seems kinda stupid.

-The last human battle scene is no less stupid.  The gate of the massive wall guarding Tartarus is called Helios, and it is supposed to be impenetrable.  However, the bad dude uses the Bow of Espirus (a made up weapon for the movie, having no precedent in mythology) to blow it up.  When that happens, the defenders turn tail and run down this extremely long and narrow tunnel back towards the city, receive a rah-rah speech from Theseus, and then turn around again to engage the much bigger opposing army within that narrow tunnel.  I found this whole chain of events to be absolutely hilarious.  Yeah, like any competent army would not utilize an obvious choke point to their advantage when they are the defenders and would just assume that their stupid gate would stand up indefinitely.  That is one LONG tunnel, and they could have easily booby trapped the crap out of it and then waited at the opening with more traps and archers.  You know, like any sane military strategist would have done when they are defending against a much larger force.  What the heck were their commanders doing the night before?  “That gate will never fall… and even though it will never fall, we’ll all stand behind it fully armed with all of our men because it looks cool.  *Giggle.”  Of course, then it blows up in their face and they’re like, “Oh crap, didn’t see that coming!” and then run away.  *Facepalm.  That was not remotely believable.

-The King of Tartarus ignores counsel from Theseus because he thinks all this talk about the gods is fantasy.  However, at the end of the movie, he’s standing right at the opening of the mountain, where he is killed by the evil king Hyperior.  Hyperion continues in the mountain and eventually comes upon the trapped Titans, setting them loose with the Bow.  Um… THAT STUPID KING COULD JUST WALK IN HIS OWN DUMB MOUNTAIN AND SEE THE TITANS FOR HIMSELF!

-Even though they know Hyperion is trying to release the Titans, there are no guards around the King of Tartarus or around the mountain.  Hyperion inexplicably strolls by the entire, congested battle and walks up some stairs to the mountain.  Sigh.

-When the Bow of Espirus is finally found by Theseus (in a very anticlimactic manner, mind you), he… keeps it.  Even though A) He knows Hyperion wants it and B) He knows it can release the Titans.  Not only that, he RUNS INTO A TRAP THAT HE KNOWS IS A TRAP and gets the bow taken from him… by a dog, who somehow recognized the bow for what it is (nobody explained that one) and takes it back to Hyperion.  There is no explanation as to why Theseus didn’t just chuck it into the ocean or hide it back where he found it (Hyperion had already gone through that area).  The bow was not needed for victory, nor did they need to destroy it like the One Ring; it was just a plot device to break the Titans free.  THROW IT AWAY!

-Speaking of the bow, there is one scene where he rescues his party with it by shooting several people at once, in a scene that is almost exactly like a scene from the Chinese movie House of Flying Daggers.  Shameless stealing.  I recognized this immediately and facepalmed.

Aren’t you creative.

-One of the girl characters is the Virgin Oracle, who sees visions of the future.  To protect her identity, she has three other girls who dress like her and who claim to be the Oracle if captured.  When the bad dude captures these three, he refrains from killing them at first because he does not want to risk killing the real one, since she can tell him where the Bow is.  However, even though he does NOT have the bow and he does NOT know who the real Oracle is, he ends up baking them inside of a metal bull over a fire anyway, where they die.  There is absolutely zero explanation as to why he does this, although he gets the bow anyway because Theseus is an idiot and gets outsmarted by a dog.

-There is no explanation as to how Hyperion thinks he can rule the world when he lets loose a bunch of freaking Titans that can pwn his entire army.

-At the end of the movie, it says that Theseus gave his life to rescue the gods.  He did no such thing; he was locked in mortal combat with Hyperion after failing to prevent Hyperion from releasing the Titans, who then fought the Olympians.  Theseus was actually a pretty darn useless main character throughout the movie and did almost nothing helpful.  He finds the bow for Hyperion and gets it taken from him by a dog, he keeps getting into messes that force some Olympians to directly aid him (contrary to the orders of Zeus), which gets Ares punished and killed, and then he kills Hyperion even though Hyperion already released the Titans and probably would have died anyway after Zeus brought down the mountain.  Yep, there’s your main character.  They should have just let Theseus and his worthless party die because they failed to stop Hyperion anyway.

-He also awkwardly sleeps with the Virgin Oracle to help her get rid of her visions with absolutely not character development.  “Hey, I don’t want these visions anymore, so can you have intercourse with me?”  “Uh, sure, if you insist.”  That’s basically how it felt like.

-The whole movie just lacks any flow, transition, and character.  You don’t relate with the main characters, the whole plot is hokey, and the ending is pointless.  Nothing makes sense.

I’m going to stop now because this is already very long.  Basically, this movie stunk, and the producers of 300 should be ashamed.  It takes some special effort to make a movie this expensive that is a total mess.  There are tons of logical holes, no character development, crummy acting, and no sensible plot.  It is garbage, but hey, the morons at MTV thought it was good, apparently, listing it as one of the top movies of the year.  Congratulations.


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