Offensive “Yo Momma” Theology Jokes: Because I Am Bored

Watching a lot of theological debating is fascinating because it is often done out of malice rather than goodwill.  Thus, to capture the spirit of such debates between pseudo-intellectual seminary students, pastors, and churchgoers, I have come up with some corny “yo momma” jokes to defeat anyone.  As we all know, nothing can stand against the power of “yo momma” insults.  What is that you say?  I’m being insensitive and unnecessarily satirical by posting this?  Yo momma isn’t sensitive to getting full from eating, which is why she won’t stop.  *watches you cower in shame*  Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Anyway, here goes:

To a Calvinist:  Yo momma’s so fat Jesus couldn’t bear her burden.  You know, “limited atonement.”

To an Egalitarian:  Yo momma’s so ugly that she is allowed to be yo daddy too.

To a Complementarian:  Yo momma’s so ugly that there was still puke on the floor “because of the angels” even when she wore a veil.

To an Arminian:  Yo momma’s so fat that Jesus had to drop her from his hands.

To a Catholic:  Yo momma’s so dumb she thinks all women from Virginia lay eggs asexually.

To a Baptist:  Yo momma’s so fat that the water becomes immersed in her instead.

To a Presbyterian:  Yo momma’s so ugly she was baptized by horrified tears when she was a baby.

To a Lutheran:  Yo momma’s so dumb she thinks Luther was fighting against the Church of Clark Kent.

To a Anglican/Episcopalian:  Yo momma’s so ugly that if she was King Henry’s queen, he would have killed himself instead.

To Eastern Orthodoxy:  Yo momma’s so dumb she plays Old Maid with pictures of dead people.

To a Pentecostal:  Yo momma’s so fat she caused an earthquake when she writhed on the floor.

To the Prosperity Gospel:  Yo momma’s so ugly God pays her regularly to make her stay away.

To the Church of Christ:  Yo momma sings so bad the church classified her voice as a banned instrument.

To a Covenantalist:  Yo momma’s so fat she has been identified as the Church’s version of Noah’s ark.

To a Dispensationalist:  Yo momma’s so fat she was mistaken as the Third Temple.

To a premillenialist:  Yo momma’s so ugly that people will still refuse to believe in a God that could create her even during the 1,000 year reign.

To a postmillennialist:  Yo momma’s so ugly Christians are hurriedly trying to usher in the end of the age.

To an amillennialist:  Yo momma’s so fat people think she is the one binding Satan by sitting on him.

To a Methodist:  Yo momma’s so fat she methodically consumes the contents of the fridge to obtain obese perfection.

To a hyper-Calvinist:  Yo momma’s so dumb God made her dumber by making her believe in hyper-Calvinism ;).

To an open theist:  Yo momma’s so fat she shocked God when she stood on a scale.

To a Southern Baptist:  Yo momma’s so fat… she fit right into the SBC. (Zing!)

To a Reformed Baptist:  Yo momma’s so dumb she tried riding a bicycle and a car at the same time (think about this one… 😉 ).

To a Catholic:  Yo momma’s so fat the pope granted her Fathood.

To a liberation theologian:  Yo momma’s so fat that being lifted of her sins still doesn’t let her freely walk.

To Acts 29:  Yo momma’s so dumb she thinks there’s a chapter 30.  Oh wait, there’s not a chapter 29…? 🙂

To the emergent church:  Yo momma’s so ugly post-modernists actually agreed that she objectively is.

To a process theologian:  Yo momma’s so ugly God is still learning how to fix her.

To a Molinist:  Yo momma’s so fat she blocks God’s vision of adjacent possible worlds.

To a kenotic theologian:  Yo momma’s so fat she can’t be yo momma anymore if she pours out her fatness.

To the Assembly of God:  Yo momma’s so dumb she tried to bite into her tongue while speaking.

To a theistic evolutionist:  Yo momma’s so ugly she is viewed as living proof that human beings and hippos share the same ancestry.

To a young-earth creationist:  Yo momma’s so ugly she has the “appearance of age”… of like a few hundred million years.

To an old-earth creationist:  Yo momma’s so ugly God has quit creation again for a current gap in time.

To a Mormon:  Yo momma’s so fat she will actually become her husband’s world.

To a Christian universalist:  Yo momma’s so ugly God’s saving her for last.

To the Local Church, Restoration Movement:  Your momma’s so ugly people sue her upon meeting her.

To the International House of Prayer:  Your momma’s so dumb she prophesied that she made pancakes yesterday.

That is all for now.  Now go debate the pants out of people.

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